For the first time in a while, I had actually written in my journal. I guess that year I had told myself "oh, well I'm a junior now, I don't need silly juvenile things such as journal'. When the whole thing with Johnny started, I discovered I did not need it, but wanted it.
First thing I did was laugh my ass off at how ridiculous I sounded when I was a freshman.
Then I wrote, about him, it went something like this
"Dear Journal,
I do believe I am falling the hardest I ever have in my life. This is not necessarily always a bad thing, but knowing my history and this current situation I am in, it is most certainly not good.
Hell, I've only know this boy for about a week...but we kissed, and it was wonderful. He looks at me like I am a prince or something...
Oh yeah, I forgot the bad thing...
Up until we kissed I thought he was straight,
but I was feeling rather ambitious, and well he looked so hot lifting, and, well, there was quite possibly a wonderful meeting of the lips reserved only for those epic tales of romance.
Damn, I got off track again, and I did have something else to say.
Johnny is not sure about coming out yet. Which I've told myself is perfectly reasonable, but for some reason my stupid brain won't shut up and stop telling me 'be careful Alex, you know how a closet case can be'
and I do
I was one once
but I want to trust him
but logic dictates I should keep the emotional distance equivalent to Siberia
but I'm aiming more for his backyard.
This scares me, a lot.
Now as I've been ranting I wonder, why the hell have I not told this to the wonderful and magical Riley Gagne?
The answer is my head has been so messed up that I forgot to tell my best friend about my latest crush"
So after this gush session with the pages close to my adolescent heart, I had this same gush session with my awesome redheaded best friend for life, Riley Gagne.
It's hard to describe Riley, she is crazy, hilarious, magical, hardworking, insanely talented, bisexual (so she can get where I come from sometimes) and one of the most awesome friends a person could have.
"Shut. The Fuck. Up." was all Riley said for a while.
"And?"
"YOU KISSED JOHNNY TRACER? YOU LUCKY S.O.B., WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET THE GOOD ONES?"
"Riley, calm yourself. I hope you realize you pretty much just spoke in caps lock." I said with my ears ringing.
"Jesus boy. He was really just like 'hey you wanna come over to my place?'" Riley said, her disbelief not the least bit hidden. That's what I loved about her, I always knew where I stood with her, well accept for that time she pretended to cry and I at first knew she was kidding, but then was so good at it I thought something was wrong.
"Don't just sit there with your gob catching flies! I want to know it all my friend! Give me the juicy deets!" She interrogated.
"I told you everything that has happened. We kissed, we talked about it, he wants to stay with me but doesn't want to talk about it, which is driving me crazy and now we're gonna sing Queen together."
"Tender"
"Oh come one Riley, is that all?"
"I'm not quite quite seeing what you're getting at here." she said with a smirk.
"Are you really going to make me beg?"
she just grinned in a fashion similar to that of the Joker in The Dark Knight.
"Ugh, fine. RILEY PLEASE I NEED YOUR ADVICE ON THIS, MY BRAIN IS STUPID AND WON'T FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!!!" I said.
I had practiced my groveling for when I knew I would have to take Riley's advice again after forsaking it two months before.
"Well since you asked so nicely. Here's what I think you should do. Keep going with it and keep your guard up, from what you described, he does care about you. Most guys would have ran with their tail between their legs after an encounter like yours, gay or straight. From what it seems like to me you've enchanted that boy enough to make him suppress his freak out and stick with you. Who can blame him, you are quite the schnazzy dresser."
"God I love you. It's like you live in my head sometimes. Once again I love you, I don't know how you know me better than I do. But now that you have clarified things for me, I should go and find Johnny." I said.
She just nodded like the good friend she was.
"Oh wait, one more thing, you have to tell me how you and Katie are doing later tonight OK? I have to meet this girl! She seems like such a sweety from what you've told me! I can't believe my best friend has had an awesome girlfriend for three months and I still haven't met her, really." I said as I kissed her on the forehead. It is what we did. We decided that because I was gay and could not be her boyfriend, I had to kiss her everyday. Which I did not mind, she was like a sister so it was not weird.
"Go! Maybe you'll catch him all sweaty on the soccer field if you hurry!" Riley said giggling maniacally.
The craziest thing was that that was kind of what I was thinking at the the time among other things.
A thousand other things.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
What Came to Be...Part 4
The weekend had been a blur for me. I had a hard time convincing myself that Johnny really cared about me, even though he had proved it some ways that fateful saturday. He wanted to be with me, but he did not want to be open and honest about it with others. ALthough this sort of did make sense because discovering he liked me was also discovering he was gay, which is a very daunting discovery. Being gay is so far from easy. Now do not get me wrong, I would not change that part of myself for the world, but it certainly has made life harder for me, so I understood why Johnny was not quite ready to be loud and proud yet.
I mean who wants to have to worry about being called a 'faggot' by their own friends, just because they are finally being truthful with the one's they are close with?
Who wants those awful judgmental glances one gets just for hugging a good friend a little too long because they are 'that gay kid'?
Who wants to be misunderstood just because of a stupid three letter label?
Who wants to have to tell there parents that they are not how they thought they were?
but then again
Who wants to keep secrets fromt the ones we love?
Who cares about a three letter label?
Who wants to have friends we cannot hug for an obscene amount of time?
Who cares about what others think of how they are?
Who wants to have friends that would so easily insult them just because they end up being a bit different?
I knew I could not make Johnny come to whatever decision he was going to eventually make, even though I really wanted to try. It was because for once, a boy actually really mattered to me and I was so scared of losing that.
All of this was buzzing through my head after that Saturday. Before I knew it, it was monday. It was the day of Glee auditions.
I nailed my audition and so did Johnny, even though we never really got around to practicing his song. We both got a callback for Glee, we both went to look if we had gotten it at the same time and we were both so happy that we hugged quickly. Miss Madeline spotted this, and it would not have been much if she had not seen the way I was looking at him the previous week.
Once Johnny had gone away, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the chorus room.
"Ok Alex, I know" Miss Madeline said flatly.
"Huh?" I said, trying to play dumb.
"I know you like that boy, a lot. Do not play dumb, I've already been through highschool so I've seen and done every trick in the book. I'm just making sure you know that it's probably not going to go anywhere Alex, he is as far as I know, straight correct?" Miss Madeline
"Well that's what I thought at first. Then he invited me over so we could work on his song for his audition and work out a little. I got there Saturday, we worked out a little. Then he asked me to spot him while he was bench pressing, and we just both looked eachother straight in the eye the entire time. Then I just went for it, I had him put the barbell back up, and I kissed him. Miss Madeline, the amazing thing is, he kissed me back. It was phenominal. We talked afterwards he says he is pretty sure he is gay because he's never felt anything like that with a girl. He also says he wants to keep hanging out, and I guess you could call it dating. But he doesn't want to tell anyone about it...but it does make sense considering no one comes out after about two days of knowing they are gay." I said with very few breaths.
"Oh, dear. That was quite a lot. So I guess maybe you are not being quite as silly as I thought you were. But still Alex you should be careful, I'd hate to see you get hurt. You're an awesome and talented kid. Just don't let it get out of hand OK? Oh also, we did NOT have this conversation, teacher's aren't really supposed to get into the student's business unless a student comes to them with a problem." Miss Madeline said.
"I'm trying to be careful, I really like him. And it kind of freaks me out for some reason, so I'm trying to be as careful as possible. And your secret is safe with me." I said half smiling. It was nice to know my teacher cared so much, it made her feel more like a friend that just happened to teach me about how to use my voice. It was very comforting.
The next day at callbacks Miss Madeline had alittle surprise for all of us.
"Ok, so I've decided that because if you get into Glee club you are going to have to work together so much, that the best way to showcase your talent for these callbacks are duets. You all have a week to find your partners, your duets, and rehearse them. The duets do not have to be a traditional duet, you can arrange a favorite piece of music into a duet if you wish. I just want to see what you all can do while having to make it work with another person. Go out and have fun with it! I'll se you all in a week!" Miss Madeline told all the Glee callbacks.
Durign this both Johnny and I looked at eachother and at the same time we mouthed to eachother "We have to do Queen." After Miss Madeline adressed us I asked him,
"but which songs? We've used some of the better ones already. Bicycle won't work. I like Fat Bottom Girls, but I don't think that will go over great." I said, scratching my head.
"What about Somebody to Love?" Johnny said.
"That, is, PERFECT!" I said, "I'll find the sheet music tonight and how about we get started with rehearsing it tomorrow at your house?"
"Sounds like a plan" Johnny said.
I was quite excited by the fact that Johnny suggested Somebody to Love because it was actually the first one I thought of for us to sing. I did not suggest it because I did not want to make Johnny think I wanted to broadcast what happened on Saturday to all the Glee callbacks, even though Somebody to Love probably only meant anything to us, or maybe just me.
I mean who wants to have to worry about being called a 'faggot' by their own friends, just because they are finally being truthful with the one's they are close with?
Who wants those awful judgmental glances one gets just for hugging a good friend a little too long because they are 'that gay kid'?
Who wants to be misunderstood just because of a stupid three letter label?
Who wants to have to tell there parents that they are not how they thought they were?
but then again
Who wants to keep secrets fromt the ones we love?
Who cares about a three letter label?
Who wants to have friends we cannot hug for an obscene amount of time?
Who cares about what others think of how they are?
Who wants to have friends that would so easily insult them just because they end up being a bit different?
I knew I could not make Johnny come to whatever decision he was going to eventually make, even though I really wanted to try. It was because for once, a boy actually really mattered to me and I was so scared of losing that.
All of this was buzzing through my head after that Saturday. Before I knew it, it was monday. It was the day of Glee auditions.
I nailed my audition and so did Johnny, even though we never really got around to practicing his song. We both got a callback for Glee, we both went to look if we had gotten it at the same time and we were both so happy that we hugged quickly. Miss Madeline spotted this, and it would not have been much if she had not seen the way I was looking at him the previous week.
Once Johnny had gone away, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to the chorus room.
"Ok Alex, I know" Miss Madeline said flatly.
"Huh?" I said, trying to play dumb.
"I know you like that boy, a lot. Do not play dumb, I've already been through highschool so I've seen and done every trick in the book. I'm just making sure you know that it's probably not going to go anywhere Alex, he is as far as I know, straight correct?" Miss Madeline
"Well that's what I thought at first. Then he invited me over so we could work on his song for his audition and work out a little. I got there Saturday, we worked out a little. Then he asked me to spot him while he was bench pressing, and we just both looked eachother straight in the eye the entire time. Then I just went for it, I had him put the barbell back up, and I kissed him. Miss Madeline, the amazing thing is, he kissed me back. It was phenominal. We talked afterwards he says he is pretty sure he is gay because he's never felt anything like that with a girl. He also says he wants to keep hanging out, and I guess you could call it dating. But he doesn't want to tell anyone about it...but it does make sense considering no one comes out after about two days of knowing they are gay." I said with very few breaths.
"Oh, dear. That was quite a lot. So I guess maybe you are not being quite as silly as I thought you were. But still Alex you should be careful, I'd hate to see you get hurt. You're an awesome and talented kid. Just don't let it get out of hand OK? Oh also, we did NOT have this conversation, teacher's aren't really supposed to get into the student's business unless a student comes to them with a problem." Miss Madeline said.
"I'm trying to be careful, I really like him. And it kind of freaks me out for some reason, so I'm trying to be as careful as possible. And your secret is safe with me." I said half smiling. It was nice to know my teacher cared so much, it made her feel more like a friend that just happened to teach me about how to use my voice. It was very comforting.
The next day at callbacks Miss Madeline had alittle surprise for all of us.
"Ok, so I've decided that because if you get into Glee club you are going to have to work together so much, that the best way to showcase your talent for these callbacks are duets. You all have a week to find your partners, your duets, and rehearse them. The duets do not have to be a traditional duet, you can arrange a favorite piece of music into a duet if you wish. I just want to see what you all can do while having to make it work with another person. Go out and have fun with it! I'll se you all in a week!" Miss Madeline told all the Glee callbacks.
Durign this both Johnny and I looked at eachother and at the same time we mouthed to eachother "We have to do Queen." After Miss Madeline adressed us I asked him,
"but which songs? We've used some of the better ones already. Bicycle won't work. I like Fat Bottom Girls, but I don't think that will go over great." I said, scratching my head.
"What about Somebody to Love?" Johnny said.
"That, is, PERFECT!" I said, "I'll find the sheet music tonight and how about we get started with rehearsing it tomorrow at your house?"
"Sounds like a plan" Johnny said.
I was quite excited by the fact that Johnny suggested Somebody to Love because it was actually the first one I thought of for us to sing. I did not suggest it because I did not want to make Johnny think I wanted to broadcast what happened on Saturday to all the Glee callbacks, even though Somebody to Love probably only meant anything to us, or maybe just me.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
What Came to Be...Part 3
"So where do we go from here bro?" Johnny said looking like a sweaty lost puppy.
"I have no idea, this is the first time I've ever made out with a straight boy...this is kind of uncharted territory for me. Not to say I haven't been here in my mind, but ya know..." I said.
"Well I don't really know that much man, I'm kind of hoping for you to be my guide here. 'Cause while you may be missing a piece of you're map, I was just handed a blank piece of paper while a dude said 'go ahead, you draw it'" Johnny said, sounding like a Bro-losopher.
I had to be strong for him. I knew I had to. It was not like he was comepletely without and idea of what was going on, but other than realizing that he may in fact like boys I could tell from the look in his eyes he was as lost as Hansel and Grettel as they expediantly approached an ominous gingerbread house.
I was determined to be his breadcrumbs.
And yes I do know how corny I am sounding, but bare with me, I really fell for this guy, and it all eventually has a point. I swear I do.
So acting as our compass I said, "Well we can't just sit here in our sweat, I need a shower desparately, and so do you."
Johnny raised his eyebrow and gave a smirk at me like he knew what I was saying.
"Haha, yeah, no. Johnny believe me I think you're cute but..."
He gave me another knowing look.
"Ok I think you're godly, but this is beside the point, no. I did not mean shower together. What kind of guy do you think I am? I have class, I don't even usually hook up like we just did. I'm a classy gay, I usually take my fellas out on a date. Anyhow what I was leading to is how about we get clean and then we just talk? I can't concentrate when I'm sweaty." I said, keeping my libido in check as Johnny continued to give me that look.
"Oh fine, it's not like my parents are home, but since that's the way you want it..." he said trailing off.
"Yup" I said feeling quite like that mule people so often describe in situations like that.
"You're one stubborn dude ya know that?" Johnny said still with a smile.
"Your point?" I said smiling back, he had broken me. That smile could warm the deepest permafrost of ym emotions into hot chocolate with pink heart marshmallows in it.
"Just go and get clean before I change my mind and do something really stupid"
"Alright man." Johnny said while walking away in such a way that was simply divine.
I waited for ten minutes and then went in to the house to see if he was done. He was waiting by the bathroom, in a towel, and nothing more.
"I tried to make it quick so you had some hot water for yourself" Johnny said giving me that same smirk that so clearly said "Oh I got you, I got you good."
And then that's when it occured to me, I had been warned about that smile before, not specifically his, but that kind of smile.
From what my older friend Harry had told me a smile from a guy like Johnny (we were not talking about Johnny when we had this discussion, but it still applies) meant one of two things
1. This boy may be realizing that he is in love with you
2.This boy is playing you like a cheap fiddle
I mulled that over while I cleaned up. I was afraid that because it was reality and not some cheesy after school special, that it would unfortunately choice number two. I prayed to my non-existent god that it was choice number one.
I got out of the shower, I realized I had no clean clothes, so I adorned a towel.
Johnny was waiting for me, in a hoodie and jeans, with clothes that looked as if they would fit me perfectly. He was giving me that smile again and I knew that choice number one was behind that beautiful smile.
"I thought maybe you'd like these..." He said a little timidly. I could not quite figure out why until I had realized I was in a towel, and nothing else. I could not get him, he seemed so confident in himself, but when I was shirtless and wet he was melted butter.
"Thank you." was all I could say. I got my clothes on, stole some hair gel and quickly styled my hair.
He just smiled at me.
"I look pretty damn good in your clothes right?" I said, it felt almost like his confidence had jumped on to me. I grabbed his hand and I had him bring me to his room. His room was very him, pristine with so much more than surface value. He had an obscene amount of amazing books lining his shelves. Most notably every book and graphic novel by Neil Gaiman, my absolute favorite author. Then there the mementos he had, everything from kindergarten drawings to sculptures made in our school's sculpture class. All of the items I saw were pristine
I asked Johnny what was with all of the knick knacks and he said,
"I like to take good care of my best memories, for those incredibly sucky days, ya know? The way I figure is if you can find a way to smile anytime, you're set for life."
"I totally get that, that's really smart or maybe insightful, not sure which one." I said. He was so much more than a pretty face, he really had some depth to him.
"Anyhow, we need to figure us out before we talk of anything out."
"Agreed"
"Alright then. First of all my position on this is that I am very excited by the fact that you liked kissing me, but I am extremely apprehensive because I believed that you were straight up until about twenty minutes ago"
"I get that."
"Good. I'm also apprehensive because you are cute, really really cute, and I feel myself falling, but I am holding back because we still haven't figured out what has happened yet."
"Well to help clarify. You kissed me, I liked it and kissed you back. I felt something I am not anywhere near familiar with that I liked, a lot. Then I saw you shirtless and I really wished I could have convinced you to that mutual shower Also as I talk to you more, I really enjoy you being with me in any way shape or form."
"I uh, uhm...thank you" I said blushing.
"But here is the thing, despite this, I am scared shitless. I'd never really thought about who I liked to kiss up to this point. I kind of just thought that the girls I kissed weren't that good or that attractive to me, or something. That kiss definitely had something I'd been looking for...but this is not the point I am trying to make. What I'm trying to say is that up until about thirty minutes ago, I was pretty sure I was straight as well. My friends and family are also quite convinced of this as well."
"oh..."
"No no no, you didn't let me finish. I'm not ready to come out yet. It's too early. You and I both know it. I want to keep this going. I really hate to keep this a secret because I know it's gonna suck for you, but once I've figured things out it won't have to be secret anymore." Johnny sad looking very tired.
"It's OK Johnny, I understand. Coming out was one of the single scariest things I've ever done. I get where you're coming from, hell I've been there, in on way or another." I said. I was a little disappointed, but none the less he still wanted to keep things going, and at the time, that was the world to me.
"Really? You're not mad or anything?" He asked.
"God no. Are you kidding me? I kissed a straight guy. I expected cries of 'get off me queer!' or something equally vulgar."
"I've never said anything like that. Shit like that makes me go insane. I guess that makes more sense now. Seriously, you're not mad?"
"How the hell could I be mad at you, you're too cute" I said trying to give my own version of Johnny's smirk.
He just blushed.
I then looked at my phone and noticed I had three missed calls, all from my parents.
"Shit, my parents called me, a lot. Can I get a ride home?" I asked.
"Of course. But first, can I get another kiss? I feel like the more I get of those, the clearer this whole thing will be to me." He said with that smirk that was beginning to get oh so familiar.
I dove at him and gave him the biggest wettest kiss anyone has ever give. this time he did not taste like sweat. This time was even better.
"Jesus H Christ you're good at that. How am I supposed to sleep on this bed now? All I'm gonna think about when I'm on it now is you." He said.
"amlbhasoiahgkmvbpah" was something close to what I said. His flattery was getting to me. I had never met a boy who spoke his mind so well and was so charming.
He raised his eyebrow at me.
"Just take me home." I said with an embarrassed smile.
"I have no idea, this is the first time I've ever made out with a straight boy...this is kind of uncharted territory for me. Not to say I haven't been here in my mind, but ya know..." I said.
"Well I don't really know that much man, I'm kind of hoping for you to be my guide here. 'Cause while you may be missing a piece of you're map, I was just handed a blank piece of paper while a dude said 'go ahead, you draw it'" Johnny said, sounding like a Bro-losopher.
I had to be strong for him. I knew I had to. It was not like he was comepletely without and idea of what was going on, but other than realizing that he may in fact like boys I could tell from the look in his eyes he was as lost as Hansel and Grettel as they expediantly approached an ominous gingerbread house.
I was determined to be his breadcrumbs.
And yes I do know how corny I am sounding, but bare with me, I really fell for this guy, and it all eventually has a point. I swear I do.
So acting as our compass I said, "Well we can't just sit here in our sweat, I need a shower desparately, and so do you."
Johnny raised his eyebrow and gave a smirk at me like he knew what I was saying.
"Haha, yeah, no. Johnny believe me I think you're cute but..."
He gave me another knowing look.
"Ok I think you're godly, but this is beside the point, no. I did not mean shower together. What kind of guy do you think I am? I have class, I don't even usually hook up like we just did. I'm a classy gay, I usually take my fellas out on a date. Anyhow what I was leading to is how about we get clean and then we just talk? I can't concentrate when I'm sweaty." I said, keeping my libido in check as Johnny continued to give me that look.
"Oh fine, it's not like my parents are home, but since that's the way you want it..." he said trailing off.
"Yup" I said feeling quite like that mule people so often describe in situations like that.
"You're one stubborn dude ya know that?" Johnny said still with a smile.
"Your point?" I said smiling back, he had broken me. That smile could warm the deepest permafrost of ym emotions into hot chocolate with pink heart marshmallows in it.
"Just go and get clean before I change my mind and do something really stupid"
"Alright man." Johnny said while walking away in such a way that was simply divine.
I waited for ten minutes and then went in to the house to see if he was done. He was waiting by the bathroom, in a towel, and nothing more.
"I tried to make it quick so you had some hot water for yourself" Johnny said giving me that same smirk that so clearly said "Oh I got you, I got you good."
And then that's when it occured to me, I had been warned about that smile before, not specifically his, but that kind of smile.
From what my older friend Harry had told me a smile from a guy like Johnny (we were not talking about Johnny when we had this discussion, but it still applies) meant one of two things
1. This boy may be realizing that he is in love with you
2.This boy is playing you like a cheap fiddle
I mulled that over while I cleaned up. I was afraid that because it was reality and not some cheesy after school special, that it would unfortunately choice number two. I prayed to my non-existent god that it was choice number one.
I got out of the shower, I realized I had no clean clothes, so I adorned a towel.
Johnny was waiting for me, in a hoodie and jeans, with clothes that looked as if they would fit me perfectly. He was giving me that smile again and I knew that choice number one was behind that beautiful smile.
"I thought maybe you'd like these..." He said a little timidly. I could not quite figure out why until I had realized I was in a towel, and nothing else. I could not get him, he seemed so confident in himself, but when I was shirtless and wet he was melted butter.
"Thank you." was all I could say. I got my clothes on, stole some hair gel and quickly styled my hair.
He just smiled at me.
"I look pretty damn good in your clothes right?" I said, it felt almost like his confidence had jumped on to me. I grabbed his hand and I had him bring me to his room. His room was very him, pristine with so much more than surface value. He had an obscene amount of amazing books lining his shelves. Most notably every book and graphic novel by Neil Gaiman, my absolute favorite author. Then there the mementos he had, everything from kindergarten drawings to sculptures made in our school's sculpture class. All of the items I saw were pristine
I asked Johnny what was with all of the knick knacks and he said,
"I like to take good care of my best memories, for those incredibly sucky days, ya know? The way I figure is if you can find a way to smile anytime, you're set for life."
"I totally get that, that's really smart or maybe insightful, not sure which one." I said. He was so much more than a pretty face, he really had some depth to him.
"Anyhow, we need to figure us out before we talk of anything out."
"Agreed"
"Alright then. First of all my position on this is that I am very excited by the fact that you liked kissing me, but I am extremely apprehensive because I believed that you were straight up until about twenty minutes ago"
"I get that."
"Good. I'm also apprehensive because you are cute, really really cute, and I feel myself falling, but I am holding back because we still haven't figured out what has happened yet."
"Well to help clarify. You kissed me, I liked it and kissed you back. I felt something I am not anywhere near familiar with that I liked, a lot. Then I saw you shirtless and I really wished I could have convinced you to that mutual shower Also as I talk to you more, I really enjoy you being with me in any way shape or form."
"I uh, uhm...thank you" I said blushing.
"But here is the thing, despite this, I am scared shitless. I'd never really thought about who I liked to kiss up to this point. I kind of just thought that the girls I kissed weren't that good or that attractive to me, or something. That kiss definitely had something I'd been looking for...but this is not the point I am trying to make. What I'm trying to say is that up until about thirty minutes ago, I was pretty sure I was straight as well. My friends and family are also quite convinced of this as well."
"oh..."
"No no no, you didn't let me finish. I'm not ready to come out yet. It's too early. You and I both know it. I want to keep this going. I really hate to keep this a secret because I know it's gonna suck for you, but once I've figured things out it won't have to be secret anymore." Johnny sad looking very tired.
"It's OK Johnny, I understand. Coming out was one of the single scariest things I've ever done. I get where you're coming from, hell I've been there, in on way or another." I said. I was a little disappointed, but none the less he still wanted to keep things going, and at the time, that was the world to me.
"Really? You're not mad or anything?" He asked.
"God no. Are you kidding me? I kissed a straight guy. I expected cries of 'get off me queer!' or something equally vulgar."
"I've never said anything like that. Shit like that makes me go insane. I guess that makes more sense now. Seriously, you're not mad?"
"How the hell could I be mad at you, you're too cute" I said trying to give my own version of Johnny's smirk.
He just blushed.
I then looked at my phone and noticed I had three missed calls, all from my parents.
"Shit, my parents called me, a lot. Can I get a ride home?" I asked.
"Of course. But first, can I get another kiss? I feel like the more I get of those, the clearer this whole thing will be to me." He said with that smirk that was beginning to get oh so familiar.
I dove at him and gave him the biggest wettest kiss anyone has ever give. this time he did not taste like sweat. This time was even better.
"Jesus H Christ you're good at that. How am I supposed to sleep on this bed now? All I'm gonna think about when I'm on it now is you." He said.
"amlbhasoiahgkmvbpah" was something close to what I said. His flattery was getting to me. I had never met a boy who spoke his mind so well and was so charming.
He raised his eyebrow at me.
"Just take me home." I said with an embarrassed smile.
The Kiss Dicitionary
Kiss (v.)-to touch or caress with the lips
now this is a fine and dandy explanation for my computer to understand, but we all know that the action of a kiss can mean so many different things
now this is a fine and dandy explanation for my computer to understand, but we all know that the action of a kiss can mean so many different things
- I love you
- I'm sorry
- I want you so bad right now
- You are my world
- It's OK
- You're acting really stupid, but I guess that's fine with me
- Took you long enough
- I forgive you
- Lets just f*** and get over it
- I missed you
- I've been waiting for this so long
- You mean so much to me
- You are too funny sometimes
- Shut up
I just that would be a fun thing to post as an interlude between the daring romance, "What Came to Be..."
haha I flatter myself, but yeah, I shall be posting part 3 most likely tonight, or if I actually do more homework, tomorrow, so stay tuned folks!
Friday, May 28, 2010
What Came to Be...Part 2
That chorus room seemed to be crackling with a kind of intensity I had never felt before. I tried to write it off as crazy hormones rushing through my body, but I knew better that Johnny Tracer had an immediate hold over me like no other boy I had ever crushed on. Although, most of the other guys I had crushed on were not all that desirable .
"Do you think maybe you could help me with my song? Cause I know Radio Gaga well but I don't know if I've got my pitch right for it."
"Oh"
"...So can you help me?"
"Oh yeah of course, do you wanna work on it now?"
"I can't I've got practice soon, but I have free tomorrow second period, do you have that free then?"
I had gym then, but as we all know, gym is not a priority so I responded, "Yeah, I'll do!"
"Sounds cool man, see ya then" he said as he walked out the door.
He was just as good too look at walking away as he was up front. Those jeans he was wearing did wonders for his 'assets'. As he walked out of the chorus room and I turned back to the piano to keep practicing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' my chorus teacher, Miss Madeline gave me a look that spoke volumes.
"So are you excited for Glee auditions?" was all she said. I knew she was really saying "Oh dear Alex Harting, you have a gargantuan crush on that boy"
But seeing as she was my teacher it would be a little out of line to say a thing as such.
Hours came and went, and it was second period of the next day already. It came surprisingly fast considering I hadn't slept the night before.
I got to the chorus room before Johnny did, and Miss Madeline was now giving another look that said something along the lines of "Alex, this is very nice of you, but what have you been dreaming up about this boy?"
I gave a shrug back that said "Miss Madeline, I don't even know myself"
It really is true that actions speak so much more than words, for Miss Madeline and I had entire conversations that just consisted of shrugs nods and other various and odd expressions.
I waited for ten minutes, and he still had not arrived.
Another ten minutes passed by and Miss Madeline asked me to go make some copies of a song for chorus.
That took about five minutes and when I got back to the chorus room he still was not their.
"Jesus, where IS he?" I muttered under my breath.
"Hmmm?" Miss Madeline replied.
"Oh, nothing I guess..." I said. I rehearsed my song for my audition for the rest of the period and then I went to Pre-Calc once the bell whisked me away.
I was so put off, I had been so excited to help him and then he just blew me off without even saying a thing.
Then there he was, at the window of the door of my Pre-Calc class, waving for me to come out and talk to him.
"Dude I am so sorry, Jamie said he needed help with his APLit. homework and it was an assignment I actually knew what was going on with and I just lost track of time. I feel like a douche cause you totally went out of your to help me. I'll make it up to you, how about we hang out on Saturday? We've got a piano at my house anyway and my ma teaches so she'd probably be able to sight read well enough." He said. He really did look like he was sorry.
"That sounds great, and don't worry about it, I had stuff I had to do anyhow" I lied. That was because I did not want to make him feel bad, especially since he had just invited me over to his house the next day.
"Oh also, bring something you can work out in, I know it sounds weird, but I gotta work out a little Saturday and I figure it would be nice to have someone to work out with me." Johnny said with a smile and what almost looked like a wink.
For a straight boy, he seemed oddly flirty. I was sure it was just my imagination and my deep wanting for him to be as into me as I was in to him, but something seemed quite different from most straight dudes I talked to.
Saturday rolled around, and in between when I had talked to Johnny and when I was at his front door, I was quite hard pressed to find "something I could work out in". My wardrobe consisted mostly of things one would never imagine being sweated on, ever. I was luckily able to steal some stuff from brothers room. It was not like he was using it, he had an apartment by that time, the way I figured any stuff he left in the house was a gift. Plus he always stole my clothes because we were the same size, so he started it.
Before I had chance to knock on his front door I saw Johnny waving to me from the window at the top of the front of his garage. Came down from the top of the garage and opened the door, already glistening and in a pair of gym shorts that did exactly for his 'assets' what the jeans I first saw him in had done for him.
"Hey man! Right on time! I got started a little early; just want to stay in great shape is all." He said almost looking embarrassed for being in such godly shape.
"No worries I don't think I'd be able to work out as long as you anyhow, as you can see I am not near your...uhm, stature" I said rather too awkwardly.
"Nah man I'm sure you can get there twice as fast as me" He said beaming.
"Well I'm not gonna get here standing around now am I! Let's go pump some iron!" I said. I felt so corny, but oh well. Johnny did not say anything he just went up the ladder into the above space in his garage and I followed, getting a wonderful view. He seemed so confident in himself, I knew that is why he did not care about me taking a jaw dropping look at him. He took it in such stride, it was so, endearing.
He started using the rowing machine, I stuck to the treadmill. When he got to his bench he asked me to spot him. I gladly obliged. As he lifted we kept eye contact the entire time, with any other person I would have been weirded out by, but with him felt so right. After he was done huffing and puffing something felt different to me, I felt as if some awkwardness had just slipped away. So to possibly more surprise to me than Johnny, I leaned down and kissed him.
Then to even more of my surprise he kissed me back, passionately. It was odd for he tasked sort of like sweat, but also slightly like big league chew. It was one of the best things ever.
Then he did something even better than kiss me, he held me while we shared that heated and passionate embrace.
We finally stopped kissing, there was a long pause where we just looked at each other, him at my stunned eyes, and me at his sparkling green beauties. Then I said. "Ummm, wait....what just happened?". This was interesting because I expected him to be the one to say this first.
He just smiled.
He smiled at me like he did not have a care in the world, and then he had my heart. I know how cheesy it sounds but it was and is 100 percent true.
"Well dude, it's pretty obvious what just happened. You kissed me, and it was awesome." He said in a very matter of fact tone.
"B-b-but you're straight, right?" I said. I was absolutely befuddled.
"Well...seeing as I think I enjoyed that more than you did, I'm gonna say I may have to re-evaluate that claim." He said as he continued to smile at me.
I envied him so much, I had never met a guy so confident in himself that not even something like figuring out he may be gay could phase him. I guess when you've got everything else figured out in your life, it's easier to figure out things as they come to you.
I was so amazed by him, and I really knew that he was perfect for me in every single way. I did not know how or why yet, but he was none the less. This was not good because now and forever, I was hooked on this boy.
- There was the dreamy pothead
- the seemingly nice emo-esque boy I had met at summer camp who dumped me over a third-hand text message
- the wrestler who swore that although we went on dates, kissed, and talked with me until the sun was back up, was "straight as an arrow"
- the freshman who took me on a couple of dates, did not kiss me, and then proceeded to say "it's not gonna work" after about a month
- the other freshman who was entirely too forward and had more experience than ME, which was seriously odd
and now, above all the rest, there was Johnny Tracer, the all out jock and fast talking man's man, who I was falling for harder than Beyonce when one of her heels has broken on stage.
"Hey Alex, you've got some experience with this kind of stuff right?" Johnny said while pointing to his sheet music.
"yeah" was all I could say while trying to suppress a girlish squeal."Do you think maybe you could help me with my song? Cause I know Radio Gaga well but I don't know if I've got my pitch right for it."
"Oh"
"...So can you help me?"
"Oh yeah of course, do you wanna work on it now?"
"I can't I've got practice soon, but I have free tomorrow second period, do you have that free then?"
I had gym then, but as we all know, gym is not a priority so I responded, "Yeah, I'll do!"
"Sounds cool man, see ya then" he said as he walked out the door.
He was just as good too look at walking away as he was up front. Those jeans he was wearing did wonders for his 'assets'. As he walked out of the chorus room and I turned back to the piano to keep practicing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' my chorus teacher, Miss Madeline gave me a look that spoke volumes.
"So are you excited for Glee auditions?" was all she said. I knew she was really saying "Oh dear Alex Harting, you have a gargantuan crush on that boy"
But seeing as she was my teacher it would be a little out of line to say a thing as such.
Hours came and went, and it was second period of the next day already. It came surprisingly fast considering I hadn't slept the night before.
I got to the chorus room before Johnny did, and Miss Madeline was now giving another look that said something along the lines of "Alex, this is very nice of you, but what have you been dreaming up about this boy?"
I gave a shrug back that said "Miss Madeline, I don't even know myself"
It really is true that actions speak so much more than words, for Miss Madeline and I had entire conversations that just consisted of shrugs nods and other various and odd expressions.
I waited for ten minutes, and he still had not arrived.
Another ten minutes passed by and Miss Madeline asked me to go make some copies of a song for chorus.
That took about five minutes and when I got back to the chorus room he still was not their.
"Jesus, where IS he?" I muttered under my breath.
"Hmmm?" Miss Madeline replied.
"Oh, nothing I guess..." I said. I rehearsed my song for my audition for the rest of the period and then I went to Pre-Calc once the bell whisked me away.
I was so put off, I had been so excited to help him and then he just blew me off without even saying a thing.
Then there he was, at the window of the door of my Pre-Calc class, waving for me to come out and talk to him.
"Dude I am so sorry, Jamie said he needed help with his APLit. homework and it was an assignment I actually knew what was going on with and I just lost track of time. I feel like a douche cause you totally went out of your to help me. I'll make it up to you, how about we hang out on Saturday? We've got a piano at my house anyway and my ma teaches so she'd probably be able to sight read well enough." He said. He really did look like he was sorry.
"That sounds great, and don't worry about it, I had stuff I had to do anyhow" I lied. That was because I did not want to make him feel bad, especially since he had just invited me over to his house the next day.
"Oh also, bring something you can work out in, I know it sounds weird, but I gotta work out a little Saturday and I figure it would be nice to have someone to work out with me." Johnny said with a smile and what almost looked like a wink.
For a straight boy, he seemed oddly flirty. I was sure it was just my imagination and my deep wanting for him to be as into me as I was in to him, but something seemed quite different from most straight dudes I talked to.
Saturday rolled around, and in between when I had talked to Johnny and when I was at his front door, I was quite hard pressed to find "something I could work out in". My wardrobe consisted mostly of things one would never imagine being sweated on, ever. I was luckily able to steal some stuff from brothers room. It was not like he was using it, he had an apartment by that time, the way I figured any stuff he left in the house was a gift. Plus he always stole my clothes because we were the same size, so he started it.
Before I had chance to knock on his front door I saw Johnny waving to me from the window at the top of the front of his garage. Came down from the top of the garage and opened the door, already glistening and in a pair of gym shorts that did exactly for his 'assets' what the jeans I first saw him in had done for him.
"Hey man! Right on time! I got started a little early; just want to stay in great shape is all." He said almost looking embarrassed for being in such godly shape.
"No worries I don't think I'd be able to work out as long as you anyhow, as you can see I am not near your...uhm, stature" I said rather too awkwardly.
"Nah man I'm sure you can get there twice as fast as me" He said beaming.
"Well I'm not gonna get here standing around now am I! Let's go pump some iron!" I said. I felt so corny, but oh well. Johnny did not say anything he just went up the ladder into the above space in his garage and I followed, getting a wonderful view. He seemed so confident in himself, I knew that is why he did not care about me taking a jaw dropping look at him. He took it in such stride, it was so, endearing.
He started using the rowing machine, I stuck to the treadmill. When he got to his bench he asked me to spot him. I gladly obliged. As he lifted we kept eye contact the entire time, with any other person I would have been weirded out by, but with him felt so right. After he was done huffing and puffing something felt different to me, I felt as if some awkwardness had just slipped away. So to possibly more surprise to me than Johnny, I leaned down and kissed him.
Then to even more of my surprise he kissed me back, passionately. It was odd for he tasked sort of like sweat, but also slightly like big league chew. It was one of the best things ever.
Then he did something even better than kiss me, he held me while we shared that heated and passionate embrace.
We finally stopped kissing, there was a long pause where we just looked at each other, him at my stunned eyes, and me at his sparkling green beauties. Then I said. "Ummm, wait....what just happened?". This was interesting because I expected him to be the one to say this first.
He just smiled.
He smiled at me like he did not have a care in the world, and then he had my heart. I know how cheesy it sounds but it was and is 100 percent true.
"Well dude, it's pretty obvious what just happened. You kissed me, and it was awesome." He said in a very matter of fact tone.
"B-b-but you're straight, right?" I said. I was absolutely befuddled.
"Well...seeing as I think I enjoyed that more than you did, I'm gonna say I may have to re-evaluate that claim." He said as he continued to smile at me.
I envied him so much, I had never met a guy so confident in himself that not even something like figuring out he may be gay could phase him. I guess when you've got everything else figured out in your life, it's easier to figure out things as they come to you.
I was so amazed by him, and I really knew that he was perfect for me in every single way. I did not know how or why yet, but he was none the less. This was not good because now and forever, I was hooked on this boy.
Monday, May 24, 2010
What Came to Be... Part 1
My name is Alex, and to me highschool was an experience. I say this so blandly because at times, it was absolutely phenomenal, but at others it was distinguishably awful. I cannot honestly tell you if this was the hormones raging throughout my body or what, all I know is that it had serious ups and downs.
Now one may ask "Alex why are you dwelling on highschool now that you are a mature adult?"
This is because I did not dwell on highschool, it dwelled on me. More specifically it came back at me at a reunion of sorts.
The odd thing is that "highschool" cam back at me with kisses and love, instead of awful pettiness and immaturity as most people experience at their highschool reunions.
As I had said before highschool was an 'experience' for me because it balanced out both its epic experiences, and it's awful tragedies.
I only call some experiences tragedies because at the time, that is how they seemed. Most of them are quite laughable in retrospect.
Anyhow my funny little story really begins in an English class in which I decided I would utilize my profound musical talents to garner a spot in my schools glee club.
As I prepared my rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" I saw a face different from the usual crowd walk in to the chorus room.
He was a vision in Nike dunks.
But because I was prone to such 'visions' i just continued belting of how I was a poor boy and nobody loves me, courtesy of the wonderful Freddy Mercury.
I could not keep myself from taking a glance or two, just to make sure it was actually who I though it was.
And to my delight and glee (haha, see what I did there?) it was. It the captain of both the soccer team and wrestling team. Reese High's own Adonnis himself, Johnny Tracer.
I felt my high note break as I saw him bend down to get his book bag off the floor after he had asked Miss Marks for the sheet music to "Radio Gaga" so he could audition for the glee club. I am not ashamed of it, it is what guys do, we look slack jawed at sights of absolute hotness.
OK so I will admit, I was quite possibly crushing as hard as I ever could. Which for me was quite impressive considering I had trained myself quite well NOT to do this, considering it gets a boy who likes boys into a lot of trouble in highschool.
It was always the jocks that always got me. They were just so wonderfully muscular. But there was something different about Johnny, he dressed really well, and it always flattered every asset of his being. The fact that he requested "Radio Gaga" for an audition for glee is what really caught my interest.
It was quite an interesting combo, a combo that I absolutely could NOT keep myself from staring slack jawed at.
This is where it all started.
Now one may ask "Alex why are you dwelling on highschool now that you are a mature adult?"
This is because I did not dwell on highschool, it dwelled on me. More specifically it came back at me at a reunion of sorts.
The odd thing is that "highschool" cam back at me with kisses and love, instead of awful pettiness and immaturity as most people experience at their highschool reunions.
As I had said before highschool was an 'experience' for me because it balanced out both its epic experiences, and it's awful tragedies.
I only call some experiences tragedies because at the time, that is how they seemed. Most of them are quite laughable in retrospect.
Anyhow my funny little story really begins in an English class in which I decided I would utilize my profound musical talents to garner a spot in my schools glee club.
As I prepared my rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" I saw a face different from the usual crowd walk in to the chorus room.
He was a vision in Nike dunks.
But because I was prone to such 'visions' i just continued belting of how I was a poor boy and nobody loves me, courtesy of the wonderful Freddy Mercury.
I could not keep myself from taking a glance or two, just to make sure it was actually who I though it was.
And to my delight and glee (haha, see what I did there?) it was. It the captain of both the soccer team and wrestling team. Reese High's own Adonnis himself, Johnny Tracer.
I felt my high note break as I saw him bend down to get his book bag off the floor after he had asked Miss Marks for the sheet music to "Radio Gaga" so he could audition for the glee club. I am not ashamed of it, it is what guys do, we look slack jawed at sights of absolute hotness.
OK so I will admit, I was quite possibly crushing as hard as I ever could. Which for me was quite impressive considering I had trained myself quite well NOT to do this, considering it gets a boy who likes boys into a lot of trouble in highschool.
It was always the jocks that always got me. They were just so wonderfully muscular. But there was something different about Johnny, he dressed really well, and it always flattered every asset of his being. The fact that he requested "Radio Gaga" for an audition for glee is what really caught my interest.
It was quite an interesting combo, a combo that I absolutely could NOT keep myself from staring slack jawed at.
This is where it all started.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
AHA!
Finally, inspiration has come to me!
Today I kept thinking to myself,
"my blog post was especially sucktackular today, much too whiny and complainy-like"
I asked myself what I could do to make it better for both me and you readers (yup, all four of you)
And it came to me, I had had so much fun writing my little story of Ra Cha Cha and Bob the Locquatious, why should I stop doing stuff like that? It is most definitely one of my best posts thus far, so although i will continue my regular posts, I am now going to spice things up with stories that I write, they are going to be a lot longer though, and much more well thought out.
Today I kept thinking to myself,
"my blog post was especially sucktackular today, much too whiny and complainy-like"
I asked myself what I could do to make it better for both me and you readers (yup, all four of you)
And it came to me, I had had so much fun writing my little story of Ra Cha Cha and Bob the Locquatious, why should I stop doing stuff like that? It is most definitely one of my best posts thus far, so although i will continue my regular posts, I am now going to spice things up with stories that I write, they are going to be a lot longer though, and much more well thought out.
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